The thing about Spanx

I saw the "Oprah" show when she raved about Spanx awhile ago and thought I have to have those! Oprah says she doesn't even wear underwear anymore! She only wears Spanx now. I am definitely curious. I do admire that she is always looking very firm and smooth. I have to be certain that when someone like me sits down and produces rolls and rolls of belly fat then Oprah must be battling similar issues . Later I read that Nichole Richie is wearing two pairs of them together after she had her baby. I'm thinking I must own a pair of these magical underwear. Wait- don't I already wear magical underwear?

I'm talking to Becky, my mother- in- law about Spanx and she mentions she happens to have some, she was making a wedding dress for someone and bought her Spanx to go under but she got the wrong size and so wonderfully I have officially inherited a free pair of magical Spanx. Yes!

Fast forward to my friend Jill's 29th birthday. She has been talking for months and months about going out dancing for her birthday. I'm so excited. It's been...well, years and a few babies since I have been out dancing. None the less I'm not deterred. I have SPANX! Already I am feeling like 5 years younger. See, the last time I went "out dancing" it was pre-Whitley, pre-15 extra pounds, pre-Spanx and I ran with a posse of some serious chola girls from beauty school that called me"mija" and we would get down to "Daddy Yankee" at clubs like "On the Rocks". That is painfully true but I own it. The Daddy Yankee and Clubbing part. I love those girls. They protect me.

Now I am fully aware I am definitely that woman who is 30 and looks in the mirror and sees 22, a little oblivious to the fact that her clothes are a little dowdy and her hair is not as cool as it was 5 years ago but still sees a young, slim, much cuter version of herself staring back in the mirror. I know this because every time I see a picture of myself I stare curiously at this big woman in the photo with a huge face and head and think who is that lady with the bad hair and double chi....oh...... That would be me. But that's okay. I hear dancing and I'm ready. I pull out my flashiest and trashiest. (Hey you can take the hair dresser out Fresno but you can't take the Fresno out of the hairdresser) and notice that the jeans I'm wearing would probably.....lay? a little better minus about 3 extra pounds. Hmmmm. Hey! I have tucked away in my undies drawer a golden ticket. I've got Spanx!

Looking at myself again with Spanx on now I am really pleased and surprised and how smooth I just turned out. No lumps, bumps, I'm looking pretty nice. I turn to the side to get a view of my rear and realize something that kind of puts a kibosh on my glee. I look...........tubular.

Well duh. The fat has to go somewhere. I turn back to the front, then to the side again. I realize I am exactly the same girth all the way around. Dang it. Now I'm in a bit of a conundrum and Christian is calling from downstairs that we need to go. I basically have two options- and no changing my jeans was not one of them. Go figure. I can have the dreaded "muffin top" (all the way around) or look like a stuffed sausage. Like a cylinder. Really, that's pretty much how I looked. Like sausage squeezed in casing. Before it's cooked. You know when you poke it and it makes a perfect smooth little indentation. That's what I looked like when I poked me. Not that I was expecting anyone to poke me but I looked so tight I kept poking myself. So- muffin/sausage, muffin/sausage. The lesser of two evils. I'll have pork. Besides from head on I looked pretty good. I will just make sure and stay directly in front of everyone I see and talk to tonight.

Looking at myself I was thinking about my friend Nikole who wore some Spanx on a first date and went to use the restroom. They have a little opening/crossover flap thing in the crotch for bathroom business because trust me it is quite an ordeal getting those suckers on and off. I guess these magical underwear have a few glitches because lets just say when she went she had a little problem with them and basically had to choose between wearing wet Spanx or coming out the restroom looking 10 pounds heavier. Before she ate. With the clock ticking and knowing her date was out there waiting for her to come out and probably thinking she had a virus or something, she made the emergency executive decision to take them off. Off come the pants and shoes and shirt. Slowly, painfully roll out of the Spanx and redress. Another 10-15 min later (she was wearing a full body one with a built in bra) plus the additional 10 she was in there before going potty and panicking she walks out the bathroom and cringes at the look on her dates face when he sees her walk to their table 20 minutes later, 10 pounds heavier and with breasts that are noticeably not quite where they were before. They didn't make it. I made a mental note to not use the restroom.

We are at dinner, great friends, great food. Nice compliments from friends. "Susie you look good!" I tell Jill I have lost 5 pounds. It's 2, but the Spanx make it look like an extra 3 so it's pretty much true. I see my good friend and fellow neurotic Ruth who tells me I look good too. "Thanks it's Spanx!" We are cool like that. "Me too!" Ruth had them on also. "I love them!", we say together. Uncomfortable silence. Like an actual "physical" uncomfortable silence. They are starting to feel really tight right now. We both do a little twist and shift. We probably got dressed around the same time so I'm assuming she is starting to feel a little snug right now as well. So, we eat and start talking and laughing discussing the things we usually do when we get together, labor, breast feeding, plural marriage, food. I notice that when our food comes out Ruth is looking suspiciously at her plate too. I ordered the Milanese. Pounded breaded fried steak. Wow. The four little bread rounds I just ate are making me feel uncharacteristically full and kind of -I don't know, a little....hot? Ruth and I are not the kind of girls that fill up just from the bread basket before dinner. Anyway. Somewhere in the middle of the meal Ruth politely excuses herself to the restroom and is gone for a good while. Wait a minute. I look at her glass. She is only half way through her second coke. Is she?.. She comes back looking noticeably relieved with a definite spring in her step and I know she would never- "go"- in a public bathroom. Not at this hour anyway. She took them off. Ruth-"I took off my spanks." Me-"what? you did? We were in this together." Ruth-"Yes and I feel so much better, I don't care, I was cramping and I felt like my food was in my chest and my sinuses hurt and I just want to enjoy my dinner and dance. I'm not going to wear them anymore!" Me-"oh." She happily tucks back into her chicken. At this point I'm still thinking I can power through. 10 min. later. My feet are feeling tingly. It's either my shoes or my Spanx but I'm definitely not getting enough blood circulation down to my toes. One of them has to go. My shoes or the Spanx. I'm pretty certain this is a "no shirt, no shoes, no service" type of establishment so I decide the Spanx have to come off. I didn't even finish dinner yet. Now Jill will really know I lied about those 3 extra pounds. I go to the bathroom. Some lady is taking her very sweet time in the restroom. I go in the men's. Take off the Spanx. I should say roll off the Spanx. AAAAAAAAHHHHH. UUUUUUHHHHHH. Yessss. I'm instantly 3 pounds heavier and very lumpy again. A man walks in. I could have sworn I locked the door. He looks a little confused and irritated. Well I'm a little irritated too- the men's bathroom is disgusting. Squeeze back into the jeans. Feels so much much better. A little extra effort to zip them up, I was planning on holding it tonight anyway. I feel the blood rush back into my toes. But I'm bumpy now. Dang it. Can I still feel confident and sexy without the Spanx? Who I am really concerned about? Not Christian and everyone at that table has seen me in a bathing suit. They know the truth. What lies beneath. Cue the Karate Kid theme song. Not "Cruel Summer" the other one. "You're the best around- nothin's ever gonna knock you down." I am 30, I do have 3 kids and maybe my hair is not as cute as it used to be but its not gray yet and that steak was really good, I have room to finish it now and we have a free babysitter tonight. I'm over it! Gotta love the lumps and bumps. Quick glance in the mirror. Give myself a little wink, finger gun, and a hip dip and prance back to my breaded fried steak. I'm ready to party! So long Spanx. You can have this muffin and eat it too.

BTW Ruth looked WAY hotter with her Spanx off!