mullings and musings

As it's starting to come down to the wire and I'm waking up every morning (literally) praying that this is the "DAY", I find myself in a rare situation and I've been sitting here wondering if maybe it's on purpose. My apologies for making no sense. I think I'm going to have a baby soon. It's messing with my mind.

For the past 5 days I've been certain this is IT! Labor! I'm in labor! Call Anne!! And then I go to bed and wake up.... with nothing. No pains, (other than just the usual), no gains. It all went away. Sigh. Boo.

Gavin and Whitely are at their dads' houses for the next couple of days so it's just me and Sheldon here at the house. All alone. With the housekeeper. 

So this is what it would be like with one child expecting the next...  SO EASY!!! I'd forgotten. 

Mommies- One to two(kids)- Piece of Cake. Seriously. I'm not trying to be a jerk or pious or anything but it this is a breeze! Please take my word for it. Because, three to four(kids)- 

Where is the Paxil? For real.

I can say this because just a few days ago, I had 3 kids running around this joint while being great with child. I called Christian crying and he ran home, grabbed all the kids and whisked them off to his mothers before I had a meltdown. Bless you dear. We are all grateful for that.

And then we have this morning. With just little ol' (or not so) me (even more great with child) and Sheldon. I haven't had one eye twitch today and we've already taken a trip to Stater Brothers! Really? Yes! I haven't been on an errand alone with kids in weeks!

We've played in my room (where children are never allowed or invited I should say), took a shower together (rare) (not showering together but just showering period) and have successfully stayed out of Elba's (our beloved housekeepers) hair and out from under her feet all morning. Wow. I even- wait for it.... put on mascara today! Yes I did. 

FYI- NONE of that is possible with with 3 kids and big ol' pregnant mom. Not at all. 

Elba's loving it too. Let me tell you. I can tell. If she could speak English and we could communicate, I'm sure we'd both be having a little laugh right now about how easy this is. 

One little kid. One teeny tiny little kid. HAHAHAHA! What a piece of cake. Would you like some? Why yes thank you. Is he going to go down for his nap? Hmmm, what to do, what to do? Maj Jong? Rummy Cub? Tea? Here let me help you with the floor. It seems you missed a splat of glue and glitter mixed with barbie hair. Yes, most likely Whitley. HAHAHA!!!

The funny thing is (is it funny?) of all my children I actually have the most guilt over Sheldon. Surprises me too. Why do I have guilt over my children? It's in my genes. I have guilt about everything. Especially my kids. Because I am a HART and SONNERS mix I have this crazy unhealthy abundance of irrational and rational guilt. Two guilt ridden gene pools combined into one. The HART/SONNERS kids are some of the guiltiest people you will ever know. For what? Pretty much everything. No it's not fun. Anyhoo. 

So the guilt I have over Sheldon is even more than the guilt I have over Gavin my forlorn sensitive divorcee child and Whitley; who's guilt has nothing to do with the split family situation but more along the lines of indulging her love of weird dark movies and all things creepy for the possibility I'm just pushing her into becoming a goth teenager who will insist on wearing long dark trench coats with metal stuff all over it, listens to death metal, wears unattractive big boots, and too much eyeliner and black lipstick, with bad dyed black hair (not the hair but the actually dye job itself. They never seem to do it right) because I encouraged her crush on Jack Skely-ton and Beetle Juice. Don't get on my case about that. It's not cute on a girl, Goth.  Period. 

Side note- The thing we've discovered about Gavin and his "issues" is that he really kind of uses them to his advantage. No Gavin, I don't believe your father gives you 5 dollars when you are feeling "sad and lonely". That's great if he does though. Maybe I will ask him if he will give me 5 dollars too when I'm sad and lonely. I'll ask him the next time I'm feeling a little blue. He sounds WAY more generous than we are. 

Back to Sheldon. When Sheldon was born it was an incredibly tumultuous time for our family. Luckily, he was the easiest baby I had ever had. Thus far. A little tender mercy from you know who. Basically what happened was- he went with Dad and Grandma while I went to Fresno to be with Gavin. If you don't know the logistics of what we did for 2 years call me and I will tell you, it was kind of confusing. But it worked. Every week/month it worked out. We never looked too far ahead and tried not to fret too much and everything always seemed to fall into place. We learned great lessons that year about blind faith and trusting the Lord. Tough situation, but it did wonders for our marriage and family. Hard to believe but it's true. However, part of the "tumultuous" was that for 2 years I was very wrapped up in all the travel and stress of trying to be a parent in two places. I had one child who was struggling and I was a wreck trying to figure out what do about that, trying keep that part of our life and his life afloat. It was consuming. Even when I wasn't in Fresno my brain was.  I can so understand what it is like for families when they have a sick or hurt child. The guilt of feeling like you are never able to do enough for that child or enough for the others who are "well" is overwhelming. Someone is always coming up short. Or so it feels. I always felt like I wasn't enough, wasn't doing enough, for all of the kids. And Christian. And there was nothing left of me to stretch out. I just assumed that since Sheldon was born into the most ideal situation that I should focus most of my energies on the child/children who were not. And I did. Like I said, even when I was here, I was still there. So Christian did for me what I couldn't do at that time. What I didn't do at that time. 

I have always been more than grateful. And amazingly it didn't break us. In the beginning when we were still working out the logistics of it all there were fights. Miscommunication. Hurt feelings and harsh words. But when we realized that wouldn't get us anywhere, that it wasn't getting us anywhere we sucked it up and just did the best we could. And that helped a lot. If it was really the best, who knows, but we certainly tried. Our efforts were split and we were both carrying a very heavy load. But I still feel guilty he had to pull my weight..... He took on Sheldon while I focused on Gavin. It's all we could do.  So Shelly Belly was oft left in the care of Dad and Grandma. 

Not that it was all that bad for Sheldon. Dad built a nursery in the office and Grandma has the most exquisite playroom of all time. 10?+ years of teaching pre-school.. You can imagine all the cool stuff she has. It's a child's dream at her house. The Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory of playrooms. Plus it has Grandma B. The Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory of Grandmas. Not the Willy Wonka though. He's kind of creepy.  Who Whitley also happens to crush on. Surprise. 

From the get go, Christian became incredibly proficient at bottles and diapers and rash creams and rashes and baby food and burping (the baby), naps, nappies, poo explosions, throw up, fits, tears, age appropriate toys, and everything 3months- 2years child related. He can practically change a poop diaper with his toes. While on a conference call AND doing payroll. Because pretty much right after Sheldon's birth I was back and forth from Norco to Fresno. So he had to dive in. Toes first.

Well, he had a little practice before hand. I got pregnant about month after we were married and there was also Whitley and Gavin; so long before he was dealing with all that with Sheldon, he was dealing with all that from the three of us. Yes, ALL three of us. I've not been diagnosed but I'm certain I have a touch a IBS. Just a touch. We come with POOP. 

So where does this go with my guilt? Because Sheldon and Christian are attached at the hip. You know how the "experts" tell us that for the first... ? months of a child's life, the child believes they are an extension of their mother. That we are pretty much the same person. That's how Sheldon is with Christian. And they pretty much ARE same person. 2 years later. Sheldon much prefers Christian to anyone else. He's Christian's third leg. Uhm... Third arm.. Ahem. I feel like I'm just here to pacify him until Dad gets home. Then it's- See ya later sucker. The rest of my body just walked through the door. 

I guess I'm okay with it. I think. Maybe. But here are some of my (legitimate) concerns.

Is Sheldon going to resent me when he is 39 and his wife makes him go to couples counseling because he's not "connecting" and after he has a few sessions of EMDR it comes to light it was actually dad who got up with him in the middle of the night and the majority of his naps were at dad's office and it was dad who changed most of his diapers? With his feet. Is this going to be a problem for us? For him? For his wife? When he is struggling to be "connected" and "in tune" to his wife's feelings and desires will it all be my fault? Have I disrupted some very important and crucial neuron transmission in his brain that connects infant mother bonding through diaper changing to good husbandry skills because I wasn't around all the time? 

Maybe I am comparing him to Gavin and Whitley who in their infancy and toddler hood I pretty much raised alone.  Now that I have a partner and help why does it feel like I'm slacking off in some way? Was I?  Did I? How does this work? My brain is spinning.  Maybe it will help if I offer to foot the bill for the therapy. Yes, that should do it. Right? 

No?

So I've had a couple of days with just Sheldon and me. Sheldon and I. This will probably never happen again. New custody schedule. Not so crazy. Shelly lives permanently here in this house. There may not ever be another day or two like this for us. Once this little baby arrives. It makes me kind of sad. Okay it makes me really sad. What a little sweetie I have on may hands. How did two years fly by like a tornado and I never fully recognized this? I cant stop touching him. I really wish he would sit still and just let me brush his curls. They have some tangles in them that only I would notice but never have taken the time to brush out. Because Christian does his bath. And he doesn't notice unruly hair. How did something so perfect come out of me? Did I do this? Am I responsible for this little guy? He's so CUTE! Has anyone else noticed how cute he is? 

Yes I want to have this baby more than anything in the world right now. I can't tell you how over being pregnant I am. But today. I'm looking at Sheldon today and thinking- Can I just get a little more of this? Can I just have a little more of him? A little more time? Please? I got caught up. Two years flew by and our alone time is coming to a close and I didn't use up my time!

 Why couldn't this hammer that appeared out of nowhere today,  hit me on the head like 2 years ago? Why do all my lessons come a little too late. 

If Sheldon could speak English and we could communicate, I would squeeze him and say- " You little elf, you sweet little ray of radiant sunshine, with hair the color of summer wheat, with teeth like little pearls, with eyes that look like my blanket washed in Downey Ultra Care fabric softener, with a face could melt a terrorists heart, in a  body that looks like a miniature man who has soft lush curls that are beyond perfection and exist only on little diapered cupids, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?!

And if he could talk, I guess he would tell me- RIGHT HERE MOM, RIGHT UNDER THAT NOSE YOU GAVE ME!!! LOOK AT ME!

And that's all I've been doing today. Looking at him.

And regretting all the days that I haven't.